This mom is missing some screws and a cocktail in her hand.

If you’ve ever pulled out a toy kitchen to assemble just before midnight on Christmas Eve, then you know it not only requires five kinds of pliers, eight types of screwdrivers, the pliers you never got back from Linda, and a master’s degree in mechanical engineering to assemble it — it also takes alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. A delicious cocktail will not only soothe your ever-blackening heart, but also make your choice of expletives more colorful. As you’ll see in our guide, some cocktails pair more naturally with particular toys, but the perfect pairing is dependent on personal taste and just how many pieces are missing from that stupid kitchen.

TRAMPOLINE

Whiskey Sour

This drink perfectly reflects how you feel when you’re putting the trampoline together outside, in the freezing cold, while it sleets: SOUR.

BICYCLE

Paloma

This tequila-based cocktail, made with fresh grapefruit and simple syrup, will taste so refreshing after throwing that Allen key at the wall.

MARBLE RUN SET

Mai Tai

Take a moment to remember the good ol’ days when you spent the holidays lounging by the pool in Maui with a Mai Tai instead of crying on top of a half-assembled toy your kids will forget in three days. Ahhhhhh.

SWINGSET

Tequila Sunrise

Because that’s when you’re finally going to put the last screw in that goddamned outdoor fort/swing set/sliding board contraption: at sunrise, just moments before the kids wake up.

DOLLHOUSE

Screwdriver

The other screwdrivers you have don’t fit the tiny screws for the damn dollhouse, but this screwdriver…? Goes down just right.

TOY KITCHEN

Mind Eraser

A favorite bar drink since the 1980s, with a simple mix of vodka, coffee liqueur, and soda, it’s known for going down easily and causing occasional blackouts — making it the ideal concoction for assembling a children’s kitchen because OMG YOU’RE GONNA WANT TO FORGET EVER HAVING TO PUT THIS PIECE OF SHIT TOGETHER WHY ARE THERE ARE ONLY TEENY PICTURES AND NO ACTUAL WORDS IN THESE INSTRUCTIONS AND IMMA JUST SLAP IT TOGETHER WITH CRAZY GLUE AND CALL IT A F*CKING DAY.

Photo illustration by Gallery of the Absurd

THE PLEASE-HIM PRETZEL TWIST

Carnal challenge:

EROTIC INSTRUCTIONS:
Clear a space on the toy-strewn floor, the spit-up-filled bed or the minivan after circling the block a dozen times to get the freakin’ baby to finally sleep. Position your husband so he can get a clear view of you making a fool of yourself, as well as the baby monitor because it’s his turn to get the baby no matter what he says. Prepare your body with a doctor-recommended aid, such as a Vicodin-tini (if you’re breastfeeding, this will also make a great sleep aid for baby), to help relax your limbs to the point that Gumby would seem stiff in comparison. Place right leg over left shoulder, left leg over right shoulder, right arm over left leg and left arm over right leg. Again, if you’re breastfeeding, swing those pendulous orbs over your shoulders as well. Unclench your buttocks, then warn your husband you may accidentally pee a little bit because, yeah, that shit still happens after you have the baby and he needs to get over it because IT’S ALL HIS FAULT.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE IT:
Let’s face it — men love positions that remind them of salty snacks! And there’s nothing sexier than looking like you belong in an Auntie Anne’s oven. While your confused husband tries to figure out whether he’s supposed to use your exposed backdoor or dip you in salt — or both — you can enjoy the super-sexy vulnerable feeling of being more twisted than a General Hospital storyline.

WHY YOU’LL HATE IT:
Experts say it will likely take 6-8 days to extract yourself from this position, which will make it hard to hold, feed or take care of your baby in any way.  Also, THE NUMBNESS.

If you like this week’s position, try…

The Headspin Spread Eagle

Wow! Look at how amazing this woman feels after following the advice!

Ronny Chieng of The Daily Show shares how you can increase your self-esteem issues — instantly!

 

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For women starting a new job, it can be difficult to navigate a male-dominated office environment. So we suggest following these can’t-fail tips for succeeding as a female in the workplace.

Hopefully, women don’t get cut from all the glass ceilings they’ll be breaking with these suggestions!

The key is not overselling it.

“Dress not for the job you have, but the one you want” practically sounds like a bible verse at this point. But what about the verse where you fabricate a “social media specialist” job because your parents just can’t understand your fashion Instagram account is on the cusp of landing a major sponsor who will pay you in free socks and you’re tired of hearing them yammer about getting a “real” (translation: BORING) job that actually pays the bills? It’s an important verse that gets lost all too often–which is why we’re here to help you dress for the job you made up so your parents will finally leave you alone.

Don’t Oversell It

If you start dressing in fancy suits all the time, your parents are going to suspect you’re a big, fat liar. This is a fabricated social media position–not Wall Street! Pair a silk floral blouse with dark-wash jeans. Or a nice t-shirt with a pencil skirt. Something that says “I am dutifully employed, but I’m not sure if this job is leading anywhere, especially because I made it up.”

It’s All in the Details

Don’t be afraid to dribble a little coffee on your blouse to indicate you’ve had your share of harried mornings. Skip the concealer to make it look like you’ve been spending some late nights at the office. Tell your parents you grabbed those new earrings on your “business trip to San Francisco.” Before you know it, your parents will be eating their criticism and praising you for all of your fake hard work.

Don’t Brag About How Good You Look

Even if you’ve never looked more employed in your life, you want to let your parents to be the ones to tell you so. If you’re lucky, your parents will even give you some extra spending money for your pretend office wardrobe–and, eventually, you’ll discover you’ve dressed, spilled and lied your way up the ladder to earning your parents’ respect with nary an ounce of actual work. Which is all any child wants from her mom and dad, really.

#1 – SHOCK & DENIAL

Am I really going to put myself through this modern-day torture device? I don’t need to succumb to societal pressure to look thinner, do I?

#2 – PAIN & GUILT

Oh god, I can’t get it over my shoulders. Now I can’t get it off. It’s stuck. I knew I shouldn’t have done this. Dear god, it’s SQUEEZING THE LIFE OUT OF ME.

#3 – ANGER & BARGAINING

I’ll be damned if I get stuck here in a Nordstrom’s dressing room for the rest of my life! That’s it — I’m gonna show this SPANX Higher Power who REALLY has the power in this relationship. If I just tug here, pull there, and do the downward dog over there, maybe I can roll it off…

#4 – DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS

OMG, I really am going to die alone in a Nordstrom’s dressing room. Ironic thing is, by the time they find the remains of my body, I won’t even need the Spanx anymore.

#5 – THE UPWARD TURN

Wait! I think I’ve got it.

#6 – RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

Just need to suck in my gut a little more. Yes! Now keep rolling it down over my muffin top…

#7 – ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

IT’S. ON. I may not be able to ever get it off, but at least I’m going to ROCK my high school reunion, baby!

March kicks off Women’s History Month, that exciting time of year when we toss the bras, crack open the Lucretia Mott biographies, and honor glass ceiling-shattering women by posting sweet-ass Susan B. Anthony GIFs on Twitter.

Sweet-ass Susan B. Anthony GIF.

Like most commemorative months, however, it’s mostly what you wear that matters. That’s why we’ve tracked down the cutest and most flattering Women’s History Month shirts, so people will notice your feminism–not your love handles!

Check out this adorable “Girl Power” shirt from Zazzle. Not only is black universally flattering, but the upward fist pump draws the eyes away from the extra inches around your waist!

Trust us, nobody will even notice your cankles when they’re too busy being haunted by the heartbreaking look on Harriet Tubman’s face.

Those leftover holiday pounds will appear to melt away when you cover the entirety of your upper body with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

If you’re too curvalicious to fit into one of the more form-fitting tops, then just give up and drape yourself in a more size-appropriate men’s history shirt! At least it won’t cut into your muffin top.

Another option: sofa accessories. Because nothing hides the extra weight around your middle like holding an Amelia Earhart pillow in front of it.