Photo illustration by Gallery of the Absurd

THE PLEASE-HIM PRETZEL TWIST

Carnal challenge:

EROTIC INSTRUCTIONS:
Clear a space on the toy-strewn floor, the spit-up-filled bed or the minivan after circling the block a dozen times to get the freakin’ baby to finally sleep. Position your husband so he can get a clear view of you making a fool of yourself, as well as the baby monitor because it’s his turn to get the baby no matter what he says. Prepare your body with a doctor-recommended aid, such as a Vicodin-tini (if you’re breastfeeding, this will also make a great sleep aid for baby), to help relax your limbs to the point that Gumby would seem stiff in comparison. Place right leg over left shoulder, left leg over right shoulder, right arm over left leg and left arm over right leg. Again, if you’re breastfeeding, swing those pendulous orbs over your shoulders as well. Unclench your buttocks, then warn your husband you may accidentally pee a little bit because, yeah, that shit still happens after you have the baby and he needs to get over it because IT’S ALL HIS FAULT.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE IT:
Let’s face it — men love positions that remind them of salty snacks! And there’s nothing sexier than looking like you belong in an Auntie Anne’s oven. While your confused husband tries to figure out whether he’s supposed to use your exposed backdoor or dip you in salt — or both — you can enjoy the super-sexy vulnerable feeling of being more twisted than a General Hospital storyline.

WHY YOU’LL HATE IT:
Experts say it will likely take 6-8 days to extract yourself from this position, which will make it hard to hold, feed or take care of your baby in any way.  Also, THE NUMBNESS.

If you like this week’s position, try…

The Headspin Spread Eagle

10.  Elastic-waistband maternity pants allow you to eat pumpkin pie in comfort. The ENTIRE pumpkin pie, that is.

9.  The opportunity to show up to Thanksgiving dinner like this:

Photo Source

8. Or perhaps show support for your favorite football team in a creative fashion:

7.  You have the perfect excuse to not host Thanksgiving dinner:  “Sorry, can’t bend over to open the oven!  Darn.”

6.  Finally — you won’t be the only one gorging on food!

5.  It’s the perfect holiday joke to break out cheesy jokes such as, “This Thanksgiving, I’m carrying my OWN butterball!”  (Ha, haaaa!)

4.  When you feel the urge to take a nap, you can blame it on the tryptophan.

3.  Your belly makes the perfect tray for carrying extra desserts.  And buttered rolls.  And bowls of mashed potatoes.  And…

2.  As the Pregnant Lady, you get first dibs on the bathroom.

1.  You can give thanks that soon you’ll be able to dress your baby in amazing Thanksgiving get-ups:

Yup!  That’s what it’s all about:  crocheted baby turkey hats!

This is NOT your mother’s teddy bear.  Oh wait — yes, it is!  A bear made out of your mother, that is.

According to London-based designer Alex Green, the placenta teddy bear is “a crafty alternative for those who don’t necessarily want to eat their baby’s placenta (remember the yummy-looking placenta panini?), but want to pay their respects to the life-sustaining organ,” by saving it in teddy form.

Also: a delicious chew toy for your pup.

Green claims he was motivated to make the bears to shake up how people think of placenta. “I was very interested in how it was discarded unceremoniously as medical waste, why it’s discarded and how we could bring it back…” said Green, who thought placentas deserved a symbolic treatment whether they’re saved or not. “It was really about provoking a debate about placentas and how we treat them.”

And now I’m sure you’re wondering: How in the world do I MAKE one of these cuddly suckers? So glad you asked!

Just grab that placenta, cut it in half and rub with sea salt — Yes, just like a good roast beef! — to cure it.  After it is dried out, the afterbirth is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, ta-da!  You craft it into a teddy bear.

Instead of Build-a-Bear, you Birth-a-Bear!

Uh-oh. This mom never should have entered the room.

The study followed 450 families and measured Neediness, Whine Crying, Shriek Screaming, Attempted Slapping, Forgetting How To Walk/Use Words, and Acting The Fool.

A study out of the University of Oregon Department of Psychology reveals that children are 700% worse when their mothers are in the room, with that percentage doubling if the children are under the age of five.

Professor of Family Psychology, Dr. B.P. Shah, explains: “What we found was that children as young as eight months old could be playing happily, but upon seeing their mother enter a room, were 99.9% more likely to begin crying, releasing their bowels, and demanding a snack despite having just eaten. Truly fascinating.”

Jason Mayer, a father of three and study participant, was surprised by the study’s outcome. “I always wondered why my wife couldn’t get anything done. The kids are pretty good for me, so I just figured I was a little better at this parenting thing. Now I’m not as sure.”

The research uncovered that despite using the same disciplinary methods, 100% of the children were more responsive to instructions spoken at a normal voice level if they came from someone other than their mother. To receive similar behavioral results, the women in the group had to raise their voices to that of someone being attacked by several rabid hyenas.

“I didn’t need a study to tell me this,” said study participant and mother of four Sara Hoffman from her home in Eugene, Oregon. “My kids act half their age the second they see me. That’s why I spend so much time in the bathroom,” she whispered while sitting on the guest toilet.

Dr. Shah is exploring the development of a spray that masks a mother’s natural pheromones to offer some relief; in the meantime, however, he recommends families invest in a bathroom with a working lock and a fully stocked liquor cabinet for moms who drink.

The Jest’s fake parenting magazine. Helping you parent the sh*t out of your kids.

With the right wardrobe, the Room Mom will stop asking you to decorate Ms. Thompson’s door for Teacher Appreciation Week and start marveling at how you’re able to balance motherhood and your fake office job.

“Dress not for the job you have, but the one you want” practically sounds like a bible verse at this point. But what about the verse where you fabricate a “social media specialist” job because the president of the PTA at your son’s school just assumes you want to volunteer for every single fundraiser — and the working moms think you want to drive their kids to soccer practice — just because you’re a stay-at-home mom, but in reality hate looking after other people’s kids? It’s an important verse that gets lost all too often, which is why we’re here to help you dress for the job you made up so the damn PTA will finally leave you alone.

Don’t Oversell It

If you start dressing in fancy suits all of a sudden, the other parents are going to suspect you’re a big, fat liar. This is a fabricated social media position — not Wall Street! Pair a silk floral blouse with dark-wash jeans. Or a nice t-shirt with a pencil skirt. Something that says “I am dutifully employed and too busy to volunteer at the book fair, but I’m not sure if this job is leading to a promotion that would allow me to donate more money to the school, especially because I made it up.”

It’s All in the Details

Don’t be afraid to dribble a little coffee on your blouse to indicate you’ve had your share of harried mornings. Skip the concealer to make it look like you’ve been spending some late nights at the office. Tell Evan’s mom you got those new earrings on your “business trip to San Francisco.” Before you know it, the Room Mom will stop asking you to decorate Ms. Perkins’ door for Teacher Appreciation Week and start marveling at how you’re able to balance motherhood and your fake office job.

Never, Ever Accept an Offer to Speak at the School’s Career Day

Sure, the other parents may have fallen for your “social media specialist” sham, but you’ll never pull the wool over the eyes of a classroom of children. Even if you’ve never looked more employed in your life, the kids will know you’re a fake, okay? They can smell lies (and your last Oreo cookie if you don’t hide it properly) a mile away and won’t hesitate to rat you out. Instead, claim that you have to go to an Instagram conference that week — and, eventually, you’ll discover you’ve dressed, spilled and lied your way up the ladder to avoiding volunteer “opportunities” with nary an ounce of actual office work.

If only childbirth WERE full of sprinkles and strawberries.

via Imgur

These sperm cupcakes are sure to go over swimmingly with guests.

Four out of five cannibals agreed this cupcake looked delicious.

Yes, that would be a dismembered baby in the birth canal. Congratulations, mom-to-be!

Finally — a shower dessert that paints a realistic picture of a new parent’s nights with baby.

Here’s a precious “alien chest burster” baby cake. Unfortunately for guests, there is no way to consume such a cake without being impregnated by an alien. Surprise!

Ah, yes, the ol’ crustacean baby shower cake. Keep waiting for The Little Mermaid‘s Sebastian to pop up and start singing, “Under the C(-section)…

Source

If Burger King were having a baby, this would be his baby shower cake.

From the baker’s Kim Kardashian-inspired collection.

“Wassup, ladies.  Any good games on TV?”

Wow.  What a good-sized cake.  Congrats, indeed!

Don’t judge — it’s obviously cold in the womb.

I’m not blushing, YOU’RE BLUSHING.

Oh dear. This one definitely calls for a C-section. Also: she may have eaten her twin. 🙁

Just keeping you abreast of the latest baby shower cake trends.

MORE “CREATIVE” BABY SHOWER CAKES HERE>>

Wilma is a Neanderthal who was put together using analysis of DNA from 43,000-year-old bones that had been cannibalized. The mother of five sturdy children with large heads — to whom she gave birth without so much as a bison head to throw at her baby-daddy during labor — Wilma enjoys scavenging from dead animals, harvesting berries, protecting her kids from saber-toothed tigers, and sharing funny cave bear memes on Pinterest in her spare time.

Dear Wilma,

I am a working mom and don’t always have time to break out the food processor to personally puree my 8-month-old son’s fruits and vegetables. However, I am concerned that packaged baby food isn’t as nutritious and pure as homemade baby food. Do you think that using, say, jarred butternut squash will have any toxic effects on my son’s health?

Signed,

Health-Minded in Houston

Dear Health-Minded,

Seriously? I pulled myself away from cave lion hunting for this? Puh-lease, Homo sapien. I let my baby girl suck on the rotting carcass of a wooly mammoth and she managed to survive. That water we drink from the Euphrates ain’t exactly filtered either. My point being, you humans need to obsessing over such ridiculousness. Also, babies love rotten wooly mammoth meat.

Dear Wilma:

My toddler son REFUSES to put his coat on before we go outside, even though it’s 30 degrees out there! He screams and kicks the floor until I just give up. I’m afraid he’s going to catch a cold! Any tips for getting him to cooperate?

Signed,

Frustrated in Farmingdale

Dear Frustrated,

As one who is surviving the Ice Age and all, I scoff at your tiny human chests and ribs that make you so weak in the “cold.” Wusses! That being said, I find that my children are more likely to wear their bear skins when I ask them with a spear pointed at their heads. And if all else fails, let him succumb to the freezing temperatures and throw him over the fire for dinner. Hey, we moms are busy — we don’t have time to coddle the insubordinate!

Dear Wilma,

My three-year-old daughter loves to give me art projects as gifts, but I’m running out of space for them. Any creative ways you can suggest for saving her artwork?

Signed,

Space-Challenged in Sacramento

Dear Space-Challenged,

You’re running out of space for art? Just move to a cave with bigger walls for her to draw on! Duh.

The last thing this poor dog needs is your rude remarks, Pam.

Friends, family members and even strange poodles at the dog park will sometimes offer suggestions–or opinions–to new canine mothers nursing abandoned kittens. Many times, although it’s meant to be helpful, it can sound more like criticism than concern and make the dog want to bite the judgmental asshole right on the ankle. To avoid that unnecessary hurt (on both sides), here are six things NOT to say to a dog nursing kittens:

#1 — Do you know those are fucking CATS?!

Questioning the dog’s ability to differentiate between a puppy and a kitten could irritate her, leading to hurt feelings and a pile of dog shit on your new shoes.

#2 — I’ll feed the kittens with bottles so you can rest. A few bottles can’t hurt.

STEP OFF, FORMULA PUSHER!

#3 — Nursing kittens will lead to saggy nipples.

Seriously, if you say that, you’re just a dick.

#4 — Doesn’t it hurt when the kittens knead your stomach?

Duh.

#5 — Are you really going to nurse those kittens right here in front of us?

A mom dog has every right to feed kittens in a public area. If it makes you uncomfortable, perhaps you’re the one who should hide your head under a dog blanket!

#6 — Would you mind if I took a picture of you nursing those kittens and posted it on social media? 

Everyone knows people go NUTS for pictures of animals nurturing other kinds of animals on Facebook. However, as you can see from the dog’s pained look above, she does not appreciate this violation of her privacy–so it’s probably best if you just do it without asking for permission, like we did.