Before “Can I have a selfie?” became the most dreaded question for celebrities, it was “Can I have an autograph?” Although the task probably ranks up there with reading about their impending divorce (always impending!) on the magazine racks, here are some celebrities who’ve still managed to have fun with their autographs.

#1 – Oops.

#2 – Tina Fey manages to make her book even funnier.

#3 – Don’t do that, NPH! Unless it still spells NPH.

#4 – Words to live by from Robin Williams.

#5 – Also Ron Swanson IRL.

#6 – Well, look at Flo getting saucy.

#7 – Nobody has more fun signing autographs than Mark Hamill.

#8 – Seriously. Luke Skywalker for the win.

#9 – While others don’t enjoy it so much, instead opting to hand out business cards. Like Jonah Hill.

#10 – And Seth Green.

#11 – And Steve Martin. (Though he does sign it, at least, thereby earning his certification.)

West poses with his divine toasted cheese.

A week-old toasted cheese bears the divine image of rapper Kanye West, claims Kanye West.

West says he noticed the miraculous sight burned into a discarded sandwich about to be eaten by a hungry member of Mark Wahlberg’s old backup band, “The Funky Bunch.”

“I was checking out this broke dude pulling food out of a bin on Hollywood and Vine, and then I saw my beautiful face looking back at me,” he said.

Smitten with his Velveeta cheese-filled visage, West seized the sandwich out of the famished man’s hands immediately.

“The Holy Kan-wich is gonna be bigger than the Jesus cider and Virgin Mary chocolate drippings combined,” he boasted.

The item has inspired the rap artist to officially lobby for his inclusion in the Bible, as well as sell dozens of spin-off items, including replica burnt toast paper weights, T-shirts, ornamental plates, and domain names such as EvenGodDontGotNoSandwich.com.

A tribute to the celebrities who’ve succumbed to the claims that there is nothing that a vial of essential oil cannot achieve.

#1 – Jenna Dewan

Sadly, even Jenna’s strong dance moves couldn’t save her from surrendering to frankincense.

Photo credit: HeavenScentOils4U.com

#2 – Maria Menounos

The power of lavender proved to be too much for the entertainment TV host to resist.

Photo credit: HeavenScentOils4U.com

#3 – Gwyneth Paltrow

Okay, we saw this one coming from a mile away.

#4 – Tia Mowry

The actress and lifestyle influencer tragically went from “Sister, Sister” to cedar, cedar.

Photo credit: HeavenScentOils4U.com

#5 – Alanis Morissette

You oughta know… that we’ve lost Alanis to the more than 1000 essential oils in her collection.

HeavenScentOils4U.com

#6 – Kristin Cavallari

The former reality star is so far gone that she can’t stop sniffing the stuff.

Photo credit: theoilyguru.org

Keller admires his handiwork

Frank Keller never imagined that a little graduate school journalism project at Indiana’s Ball State University would lead to a glamorous job fabricating quotes for tabloids — but that is exactly what happened.

Popular celebrity magazines such as Star and Us Weekly depend on “insider” quotes to make the celebrity scandal du jour sound even more juicy.  Keller, as it turns out, is behind most of the gossip juice, landing his gig after a professor recognized his flair for the melodramatic and completely fake observations.

“I turned in an article about a campus prostitution ring, but Professor Mackey figured out I made up pretty much everything in the story.  Especially when police busted the ring, only to find out it was a Pi Phi scrapbooking group,” recalled Keller.

“Mackey failed me, but he saw I had a real talent for fooling readers with well-crafted nonsense.  That’s when he introduced me to a friend at Page Six, who needed some good quotes from a ‘bar witness’ about Vince Vaughn getting sloppy drunk.  Before you know it, my career as an ‘insider’ really took off,” Keller said, his pride evident.

Keller quit graduate school soon thereafter to make up observations for a number of gossip rags, and was quickly promoted to more prestigious fabricated relationships, including “friend of Brad Pitt” and “Gossip Girl on-set snitch.”

Keller reflects:  “I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I really am an old friend that Kim dumped when she married Kanye.  And, I gotta say, it still hurts.”

“Can I take a picture with you?” may be one of the most dreaded questions posed to celebrities, but it sure does produce some hilarious results for our amusement! Behold:

Justin Timberlake: Ready to Cut a B*tch

This is the look on JT’s face when a fan gushes, “I can’t believe I’m getting my picture taken with the guy from that band — What was it called? Oh yeah! — New Kids on the Block!”

Kristen Stewart is Thrilled — Just THRILLED — to Pose with Argentinian Airport Employee

“I’d better get a free bag of pretzels for this,” Kristen thinks.

“If anyone should be wearing a fabulous fur-lined coat in this picture,” thinks Kanye, “It’s me.”

Hugh Grant: too hungover to protest.

“Wait — what did I just agree to?” Ray Romano wonders. “All I wanted was to grab some hummus at the store for my wife!”

Keanu Reeves looks baffled by this not-so-newfangled technology.

“KRIS JENNER DID NOT APPROVE THIS.”

“Look! Jake and I are basically wearing the same jacket. Twinning!”

These pictures of Elijah Wood with fans go from awkward to amazing.

Denzel Washington is all, “I got better things to do.”

More awkward celebrity-and-fan pics here.

Owen Wilson has declared May “Owen Wilson Awareness Month” to combat his longtime battle with people mistaking him for daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres.

The Marley & Me actor decided to take action after years of confusion and disappointment from ardent DeGeneres fans. Wilson said he is approached at least 10-20 times a day by passersby who firmly believe he is the Emmy-winning host.

“These housewives ask me to do all sorts of crazy things,” Wilson remarked in his trademark drawl. “Even after I tell them who I am, they demand I dance with them and want me to give their best to Portia. They beg for decorating tips. I feel like I’m really letting them down, you know?”

The encounters also led to a bruised ego for Wilson, who turned to his closet to help him cope with his significantly lowered self-esteem. When wearing shirts emblazoned with his nickname, “The Butterscotch Stallion,” did little to boost his ego or minimize fans’ confusion, Wilson considered taking more drastic measures.

“One night, I clenched a bottle of Clairol’s Nice ‘n Easy Dark Brown 131 in my hand and almost pulled the trigger,” recalled Wilson. Thank God I caught sight of the moonlight bouncing off my golden locks in the mirror before I soiled them. It was then I knew I needed to find another way to fight this madness.”

The result: Owen Wilson Awareness Month, which kicks off this month. Part of the aim of Owen Wilson Awareness Month is to recognize Wilson’s significant contributions to cinema, including his perfected take on the role of “Laid-Back Rascally Dude.” The Month will, of course, also highlight the differences between him and DeGeneres with an ambitious print and television advertising campaign underscoring Wilson’s boyish charm and DeGeneres’ unparalleled ability to boogie her way over a coffee table.

It is Robyn Rihanna Fenty’s birthday and boy, oh boy, do we ever have a thoughtful gift for her — yes, even more thoughtful than posting “HBD!” on her Facebook page. We are giving her the gift… of memes. A roundup of the best Rihanna memes we could find, in fact.

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Credit: @RiriXSavage

#10 –

Pretty sure these are the exact lyrics

 

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I call my mom every time I make cornbread—even though I’ve written the recipe in every notebook, even though I am sure I could toss it together in my sleep. Maybe watching this will show you why, perhaps, I just like to call my mom. ♥️ This cornbread takes no time at all, is incredibly forgiving, and is an every other day staple at my house: perfect to fill in a dinner, perfect for a snack, perfect for breakfast. Plus, it tastes like home. I hope you love it as much as I do. ♥️ . Grandmom’s Cornbread, by Patricia English Garner Ingredients: 2 Tbsp oil 3/4 cup cornmeal 1/4 cup flour 1 rounded tsp baking powder 1/4 rounded tsp baking soda 1 Tbsp sugar 1/2 tsp salt 1 egg 1 cup buttermilk . Directions: 1. Set oven to 450 degrees. Pour oil into a heavy skillet and put that in the oven. 2. Mix cornmeal, flour, baking powder, baking soda, sugar and salt in a bowl. 3. Add egg to the mixture and enough buttermilk until the batter is thinner than pancake batter. 4. VERY carefully take the skillet out of the oven and pour oil into batter. 5. Mix the batter and pour it into the hot skillet. 6. Return to the oven and bake. Watch carefully after 10 minutes, until brown. 7. Mom says eat with butter. 8. Yum.

A post shared by Jennifer Garner (@jennifer.garner) on Jul 28, 2020 at 3:37pm PDT

Just when we thought we couldn’t love Jennifer Garner’s “Pretend Cooking Show” on Instagram any more, she goes and calls her dry-witted mom, Ms. Patricia English Garner, to help guide her through the process of baking cornbread via FaceTime (even though Jennifer could, as she put it, “toss it together in her sleep”). Because no matter how old we are, we all need our mom sometimes — especially a mom who can hilariously throw shade like Mrs. Garner can! Nearly did a spit-take when she drawled, “I am rarely without buttermilk, Jennifer.” And, as you’ll notice, Jen’s West Virginia drawl gets more pronounced the longer she talks to her mom.

After Lori Loughlin pleaded guilty to to conspiracy to commit wire and mail fraud, she likely expected a light sentence. However, U.S. District Judge Nathaniel Gorton has decided to sending a clear signal to other parents considering making a half-million-dollar “donation” to a “private life coach” to Photoshop their “influencer” daughter into fake crew pictures to gain admittance into college by sentencing the Fuller House actress to watch all of her Garage Sale Mysteries TV movies back-to-back.

“You’ve stolen a spot that should have gone to a more qualified student, so we’re going to take something from you … your love for using your bargain-hunting skills for fighting crime,” warned Judge Gorton. “You still think somehow you did nothing wrong, you’re a woman with enviable hair and crime-solving savvy who’s also had the great fortune of repeatedly kissing John Stamos. You’re entitled, so you don’t have to follow the rules. It’s about time you feel the repercussions of that entitlement … starting with a mandated Garage Sale Mysteries marathon,” he continued.

The judge did not hold back when listing the movies she must watch without the luxury of a solid wine buzz or intermittent glances at her phone, including Garage Sale Mysteries: Murder In D Minor; Garage Sale Mysteries: Picture a Murder; Garage Sale Mystery: The Mask Murder; Garage Sale Mystery: Pandora’s Box; Garage Sale Mystery: The Beach Murder; Garage Sale Mystery: A Case of Murder; Garage Sale Mystery: Murder by Text; Garage Sale Mystery: The Beach Murder; Garage Sale Mystery: The Novel Murders; Garage Sale Mystery: Guilty Until Proven Innocent; Garage Sale Mystery: The Wedding Dress; Garage Sale Mystery: The Deadly Room; Garage Sale Mystery: All That Glitters; Garage Sale Mystery; and, yes, even Garage Sale Mystery: Murder Most Medieval.

As Loughlin broke down, admitting she should have taken the initial plea deal, the judge showed no mercy.

“After this, you’ll never want to scour crime-ridden garage sales to buy items for your resale shop again,” Gorton intoned, ominously striking the gavel.