CHICAGO — An Evanston woman who requested to be identified only as “Lydia” is said to be devastated after recognizing her muffin top on an ABC-7 report about the rise of obesity.

Lydia says the story first caught her attention when the reporter used such descriptions as “alarming” and “an epidemic even more dangerous than global warming and Chernobyl combined.”

Then, the unthinkable happened.

“I was mashing my potatoes and happened to look up, only to see a shot of my big butt walking down Michigan Avenue,” recalled Lydia. “I couldn’t believe it at first, but then they showed my front with a black bar across my eyes. And I knew that was me: the ‘obese’ one.

“I swear they gave my belly more rolls than it really has. Like, digitally, maybe? Yeah, that must be it,” she added.

Lydia is not the first Chicago-area resident to be victimized by the local news; a Wilmette man whose house was featured in a report about offensively tacky Christmas decorations recently filed a lawsuit against WGN-9 for defamation of character. Both the plaintiff and the television station refused to comment on the pending suit.

Lindsay Lohan Learns There Really is No Nigerian Prince in Need of Her Assistance

And then they did (there are a lot of Meta hatas)…

And then dire Halloween warnings were issued…

And then a lawsuit against Kellogg’s POPPED up (we’re coming for you next, grape soda)…

And then smoked brisket fans got a rude awakening from Chipotle…

Now we know where all the toilet paper, disinfectants, hand sanitizer and bread kits went.

“Always be my orange face clown.” Awwww.

The news can be hard to swallow these days, but chasing it with a shot of Melissa McCarthy certainly makes it go down smoother.

GOP senators block election security legislation hours after Mueller warns of Russian interference

Brad Pitt will not be joining social media any time soon: ‘I don’t see the point’

Trump appears in front of altered presidential seal saying ’45 is a puppet’

Beyoncé reveals weight on first day of Coachella rehearsals before going on plant-based diet

19-year-old breaks Michael Phelps’ world record

Jeffrey Epstein found injured in jail cell with marks on his neck, sources say

Poll: Biden beating Trump in Ohio

The television event of the summer has everything America loves: long-winded political testimony, close-up shots of aging white men, and the reminder that our president may have obstructed an investigation into foreign election interference — fun!

In perhaps his best unintentionally comedic performance yet, actor Jon Voight manages to keep a straight face while declaring that Trump is “the greatest president since Abraham Lincoln” in a video posted on — where else? — Twitter.

Behold “To My Fellow Americans. Part One.” (YES! There’s already a sequel!)

To my fellow Americans. Part 1. pic.twitter.com/srw4zXCRKJ

— Jon Voight (@jonvoight) May 25, 2019

Trump “has made his every move correct,” Jonny says (“EVERY MOVE!”), adding that “our country is stronger, safer and with more jobs” with him at the helm–but failing to mention that most of those jobs were Trump’s own defense attorneys.

To my fellow Americans. Part 2. pic.twitter.com/uhqpbzwHhS

— Jon Voight (@jonvoight) May 25, 2019

“This job is not easy, for he’s battling the left and their absurd words of destruction,” J-Vo, 80, solemnly intones. “Our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln.”

When asked to comment on the comparison of Trump to himself, Honest Abe responded:

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. (Oops! And women. I guess.) Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether we can survive a moronic, narcissistic man-toddler as the president of this otherwise great nation…”

INTRODUCTION

I’m gonna skip this part, just like I skipped classes at Penn and the Senate Intelligence Committee hearing. Because I can get away with shit like that, bitches!

CHAPTER ONE

My Life as Donald J. Trump’s Firstborn Son
“Punch down, not up, you stupid fucking moron!” my dad would always encourage me.

CHAPTER TWO

My Life as Ivanka’s Brother
“Why can’t you be smart and hot like your sister, you stupid fucking moron?!” my dad would always wonder.

CHAPTER THREE

My Life, My Rules
How I’ve written my own rules for success, based solely on trying to earn the approval from my dad that I so desperately long for.

CHAPTER FOUR

My Overcompensation
How killing large, beautiful animals for no reason makes my penis feel less small.

CHAPTER FIVE

My Work for the Less Fortunate and Disenfranchised
[MISSING CHAPTER]

CHAPTER SIX

My Russian Tower Meeting
Er… I mean my Trump Tower meeting! That never happened. Certainly not with any Russians. Okay, maybe there were Russians, but no collusion! Okay, maybe a teensy bit of collusion, but my dad didn’t even know about it! Much. I mean, say what? I’m not scared, YOU’RE SCARED. *Ahem* Should I post more emails on Twitter? Retweet another doctored video of Nancy Pelosi? TELL ME WHAT TO DO, DADDY!

CHAPTER SEVEN

My MAGA Love
All of my dad’s accomplishments the fake news media refuses to report: has created record-breaking number of job opportunities defense attorneys; leading fight against “very fine” White Nationalist patriots; only disclosed nuclear codes to Russians – nobody else!; invented the word “covfefe”; singlehandedly boosted fast food business with fine spreads offered to athletes visiting White House.

CHAPTER EIGHT

My Future
Imagining myself in prison, having taken the fall for my dad, and wondering if he loves me yet. Or if he’ll ever visit or write me back. Totally hypothetical, of course.

SEE ALSO: These Suggested Titles for Donald Trump Jr’s New Book Are Hilarious