Uh-oh. This mom never should have entered the room.

The study followed 450 families and measured Neediness, Whine Crying, Shriek Screaming, Attempted Slapping, Forgetting How To Walk/Use Words, and Acting The Fool.

A study out of the University of Oregon Department of Psychology reveals that children are 700% worse when their mothers are in the room, with that percentage doubling if the children are under the age of five.

Professor of Family Psychology, Dr. B.P. Shah, explains: “What we found was that children as young as eight months old could be playing happily, but upon seeing their mother enter a room, were 99.9% more likely to begin crying, releasing their bowels, and demanding a snack despite having just eaten. Truly fascinating.”

Jason Mayer, a father of three and study participant, was surprised by the study’s outcome. “I always wondered why my wife couldn’t get anything done. The kids are pretty good for me, so I just figured I was a little better at this parenting thing. Now I’m not as sure.”

The research uncovered that despite using the same disciplinary methods, 100% of the children were more responsive to instructions spoken at a normal voice level if they came from someone other than their mother. To receive similar behavioral results, the women in the group had to raise their voices to that of someone being attacked by several rabid hyenas.

“I didn’t need a study to tell me this,” said study participant and mother of four Sara Hoffman from her home in Eugene, Oregon. “My kids act half their age the second they see me. That’s why I spend so much time in the bathroom,” she whispered while sitting on the guest toilet.

Dr. Shah is exploring the development of a spray that masks a mother’s natural pheromones to offer some relief; in the meantime, however, he recommends families invest in a bathroom with a working lock and a fully stocked liquor cabinet for moms who drink.

The Jest’s parenting magazine. Helping you parent the sh*t out of your kids.

Facebook isn’t just about keeping in touch with friends with family–it’s also about letting them know how amazing your life is, while cloaking it in fake modesty so you don’t appear too amazing. To help jump-start your humblebragging, here are eight suggested status updates that will both impress and annoy all who follow you.

1. “Our two-year-old can already read and write. Any advice on how to give a genius a ‘normal’ childhood?”

2. “Kids only got granola bars for breakfast because I was tired after running four miles this morning.”

3. “I can’t believe our son made the honor roll when he missed so much school for all-star baseball.”

4. “The bread I made completely from scratch looks a little lumpy in this picture, lol.”

5. “I feel bad when other moms tell me their kids are terrible sleepers because Max and Ava have always slept through the night. Don’t know what I did to get so lucky!”

6. “Crazy that Parenting Magazine picked me as one of their top 10 bloggers. Wonder how long ’til they realize they made a mistake?”

7. “I just got carded buying wine at Whole Foods. AGAIN. So tired of that happening!”

8. “Does anybody know how to get chocolate stains off the leather seats of a new Mercedes SUV? That’s the last time I let Jonah eat Kit Kats in the car!”

Wow! Just drape a blanket over that laundry basket that’s been taunting you for days, and voila — you’ve not only successfully avoided mundane housework, but you’ve also created a snazzy home accessory!