The Jest’s fake parenting magazine. Helping you parent the sh*t out of your kids.

With the right wardrobe, the Room Mom will stop asking you to decorate Ms. Thompson’s door for Teacher Appreciation Week and start marveling at how you’re able to balance motherhood and your fake office job.

“Dress not for the job you have, but the one you want” practically sounds like a bible verse at this point. But what about the verse where you fabricate a “social media specialist” job because the president of the PTA at your son’s school just assumes you want to volunteer for every single fundraiser — and the working moms think you want to drive their kids to soccer practice — just because you’re a stay-at-home mom, but in reality hate looking after other people’s kids? It’s an important verse that gets lost all too often, which is why we’re here to help you dress for the job you made up so the damn PTA will finally leave you alone.

Don’t Oversell It

If you start dressing in fancy suits all of a sudden, the other parents are going to suspect you’re a big, fat liar. This is a fabricated social media position — not Wall Street! Pair a silk floral blouse with dark-wash jeans. Or a nice t-shirt with a pencil skirt. Something that says “I am dutifully employed and too busy to volunteer at the book fair, but I’m not sure if this job is leading to a promotion that would allow me to donate more money to the school, especially because I made it up.”

It’s All in the Details

Don’t be afraid to dribble a little coffee on your blouse to indicate you’ve had your share of harried mornings. Skip the concealer to make it look like you’ve been spending some late nights at the office. Tell Evan’s mom you got those new earrings on your “business trip to San Francisco.” Before you know it, the Room Mom will stop asking you to decorate Ms. Perkins’ door for Teacher Appreciation Week and start marveling at how you’re able to balance motherhood and your fake office job.

Never, Ever Accept an Offer to Speak at the School’s Career Day

Sure, the other parents may have fallen for your “social media specialist” sham, but you’ll never pull the wool over the eyes of a classroom of children. Even if you’ve never looked more employed in your life, the kids will know you’re a fake, okay? They can smell lies (and your last Oreo cookie if you don’t hide it properly) a mile away and won’t hesitate to rat you out. Instead, claim that you have to go to an Instagram conference that week — and, eventually, you’ll discover you’ve dressed, spilled and lied your way up the ladder to avoiding volunteer “opportunities” with nary an ounce of actual office work.

So many wonderful and dramatic ensembles at last night’s Met Gala! Some outfits, however, seemed reminiscent of others we’ve seen, so we couldn’t help but ask…

Who wore it best?

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Credit: https://twitter.com/dykedotorg

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The key is not overselling it.

“Dress not for the job you have, but the one you want” practically sounds like a bible verse at this point. But what about the verse where you fabricate a “social media specialist” job because your parents just can’t understand your fashion Instagram account is on the cusp of landing a major sponsor who will pay you in free socks and you’re tired of hearing them yammer about getting a “real” (translation: BORING) job that actually pays the bills? It’s an important verse that gets lost all too often–which is why we’re here to help you dress for the job you made up so your parents will finally leave you alone.

Don’t Oversell It

If you start dressing in fancy suits all the time, your parents are going to suspect you’re a big, fat liar. This is a fabricated social media position–not Wall Street! Pair a silk floral blouse with dark-wash jeans. Or a nice t-shirt with a pencil skirt. Something that says “I am dutifully employed, but I’m not sure if this job is leading anywhere, especially because I made it up.”

It’s All in the Details

Don’t be afraid to dribble a little coffee on your blouse to indicate you’ve had your share of harried mornings. Skip the concealer to make it look like you’ve been spending some late nights at the office. Tell your parents you grabbed those new earrings on your “business trip to San Francisco.” Before you know it, your parents will be eating their criticism and praising you for all of your fake hard work.

Don’t Brag About How Good You Look

Even if you’ve never looked more employed in your life, you want to let your parents to be the ones to tell you so. If you’re lucky, your parents will even give you some extra spending money for your pretend office wardrobe–and, eventually, you’ll discover you’ve dressed, spilled and lied your way up the ladder to earning your parents’ respect with nary an ounce of actual work. Which is all any child wants from her mom and dad, really.

#1 – SHOCK & DENIAL

Am I really going to put myself through this modern-day torture device? I don’t need to succumb to societal pressure to look thinner, do I?

#2 – PAIN & GUILT

Oh god, I can’t get it over my shoulders. Now I can’t get it off. It’s stuck. I knew I shouldn’t have done this. Dear god, it’s SQUEEZING THE LIFE OUT OF ME.

#3 – ANGER & BARGAINING

I’ll be damned if I get stuck here in a Nordstrom’s dressing room for the rest of my life! That’s it — I’m gonna show this SPANX Higher Power who REALLY has the power in this relationship. If I just tug here, pull there, and do the downward dog over there, maybe I can roll it off…

#4 – DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS

OMG, I really am going to die alone in a Nordstrom’s dressing room. Ironic thing is, by the time they find the remains of my body, I won’t even need the Spanx anymore.

#5 – THE UPWARD TURN

Wait! I think I’ve got it.

#6 – RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

Just need to suck in my gut a little more. Yes! Now keep rolling it down over my muffin top…

#7 – ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

IT’S. ON. I may not be able to ever get it off, but at least I’m going to ROCK my high school reunion, baby!