Uh-oh. This mom never should have entered the room.

The study followed 450 families and measured Neediness, Whine Crying, Shriek Screaming, Attempted Slapping, Forgetting How To Walk/Use Words, and Acting The Fool.

A study out of the University of Oregon Department of Psychology reveals that children are 700% worse when their mothers are in the room, with that percentage doubling if the children are under the age of five.

Professor of Family Psychology, Dr. B.P. Shah, explains: “What we found was that children as young as eight months old could be playing happily, but upon seeing their mother enter a room, were 99.9% more likely to begin crying, releasing their bowels, and demanding a snack despite having just eaten. Truly fascinating.”

Jason Mayer, a father of three and study participant, was surprised by the study’s outcome. “I always wondered why my wife couldn’t get anything done. The kids are pretty good for me, so I just figured I was a little better at this parenting thing. Now I’m not as sure.”

The research uncovered that despite using the same disciplinary methods, 100% of the children were more responsive to instructions spoken at a normal voice level if they came from someone other than their mother. To receive similar behavioral results, the women in the group had to raise their voices to that of someone being attacked by several rabid hyenas.

“I didn’t need a study to tell me this,” said study participant and mother of four Sara Hoffman from her home in Eugene, Oregon. “My kids act half their age the second they see me. That’s why I spend so much time in the bathroom,” she whispered while sitting on the guest toilet.

Dr. Shah is exploring the development of a spray that masks a mother’s natural pheromones to offer some relief; in the meantime, however, he recommends families invest in a bathroom with a working lock and a fully stocked liquor cabinet for moms who drink.

The Jest’s fake parenting magazine. Helping you parent the sh*t out of your kids.

With the right wardrobe, the Room Mom will stop asking you to decorate Ms. Thompson’s door for Teacher Appreciation Week and start marveling at how you’re able to balance motherhood and your fake office job.

“Dress not for the job you have, but the one you want” practically sounds like a bible verse at this point. But what about the verse where you fabricate a “social media specialist” job because the president of the PTA at your son’s school just assumes you want to volunteer for every single fundraiser — and the working moms think you want to drive their kids to soccer practice — just because you’re a stay-at-home mom, but in reality hate looking after other people’s kids? It’s an important verse that gets lost all too often, which is why we’re here to help you dress for the job you made up so the damn PTA will finally leave you alone.

Don’t Oversell It

If you start dressing in fancy suits all of a sudden, the other parents are going to suspect you’re a big, fat liar. This is a fabricated social media position — not Wall Street! Pair a silk floral blouse with dark-wash jeans. Or a nice t-shirt with a pencil skirt. Something that says “I am dutifully employed and too busy to volunteer at the book fair, but I’m not sure if this job is leading to a promotion that would allow me to donate more money to the school, especially because I made it up.”

It’s All in the Details

Don’t be afraid to dribble a little coffee on your blouse to indicate you’ve had your share of harried mornings. Skip the concealer to make it look like you’ve been spending some late nights at the office. Tell Evan’s mom you got those new earrings on your “business trip to San Francisco.” Before you know it, the Room Mom will stop asking you to decorate Ms. Perkins’ door for Teacher Appreciation Week and start marveling at how you’re able to balance motherhood and your fake office job.

Never, Ever Accept an Offer to Speak at the School’s Career Day

Sure, the other parents may have fallen for your “social media specialist” sham, but you’ll never pull the wool over the eyes of a classroom of children. Even if you’ve never looked more employed in your life, the kids will know you’re a fake, okay? They can smell lies (and your last Oreo cookie if you don’t hide it properly) a mile away and won’t hesitate to rat you out. Instead, claim that you have to go to an Instagram conference that week — and, eventually, you’ll discover you’ve dressed, spilled and lied your way up the ladder to avoiding volunteer “opportunities” with nary an ounce of actual office work.

The Jest’s parenting magazine. Helping you parent the sh*t out of your kids.

Facebook isn’t just about keeping in touch with friends with family–it’s also about letting them know how amazing your life is, while cloaking it in fake modesty so you don’t appear too amazing. To help jump-start your humblebragging, here are eight suggested status updates that will both impress and annoy all who follow you.

1. “Our two-year-old can already read and write. Any advice on how to give a genius a ‘normal’ childhood?”

2. “Kids only got granola bars for breakfast because I was tired after running four miles this morning.”

3. “I can’t believe our son made the honor roll when he missed so much school for all-star baseball.”

4. “The bread I made completely from scratch looks a little lumpy in this picture, lol.”

5. “I feel bad when other moms tell me their kids are terrible sleepers because Max and Ava have always slept through the night. Don’t know what I did to get so lucky!”

6. “Crazy that Parenting Magazine picked me as one of their top 10 bloggers. Wonder how long ’til they realize they made a mistake?”

7. “I just got carded buying wine at Whole Foods. AGAIN. So tired of that happening!”

8. “Does anybody know how to get chocolate stains off the leather seats of a new Mercedes SUV? That’s the last time I let Jonah eat Kit Kats in the car!”