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Trump Assures the World That He’s Totally, Legitimately, 100% a Legend in His Own Mind

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In his first TV interview since becoming president, Donald Trump showed the world that he’s not a narcissistic man-toddler (phew!), but rather a narcissistic mad man (bummer).

Some gems from his sit-down chat with ABC’s David Muir:

ON HIS SPEECH TO THE CIA:

TRUMP: I got a standing ovation.In fact, they said it was the biggest standing ovation since Peyton Manning had won the Super Bowl and they said it was equal. I got a standing ovation. It lasted for a long period of time. What you do is take — take out your tape — you probably ran it live. I know when I do good speeches. I know when I do bad speeches. That speech was a total home run. They loved it. I could’ve …

MUIR: 

ON THE SIZE OF HIS INAUGURATION CROWD:

TRUMP: In terms of a total audience including television and everything else that you have we had supposedly the biggest crowd in history. The audience watching the show. And I think you would even agree to that. They say I had the biggest crowd in the history of inaugural speeches. I’m honored by that. But I didn’t bring it up. You just brought it up.

MUIR: 

ON TORTURE:

MUIR: You’re now the president. Do you want waterboarding?

TRUMP: I don’t want people to chop off the citizens or anybody’s heads in the Middle East. Okay? Because they’re Christian or Muslim or anything else. I don’t want — look, you are old enough to have seen a time that was much different. You never saw heads chopped off until a few years ago.

MUIR: 

ON TAKING OIL FROM IRAQ:

TRUMP: We should have taken the oil. You wouldn’t have ISIS if we took the oil. Now I wasn’t talking about it from the standpoint of ISIS because the way we got out was horrible. We created a vacuum and ISIS formed. But had we taken the oil something else would’ve very good happened. They would not have been able to fuel their rather unbelievable drive to destroy large portions of the world.

MUIR: You’ve heard the critics who say that would break all international law, taking the oil. But I wanna get to the words …

TRUMP: Wait, wait, can you believe that? Who are the critics who say that? Fools.

MUIR: Let, let me …

TRUMP: I don’t call them critics. I call them fools.

MUIR: 

 

Politics

A Beautiful LOVE ACTUALLY Remake Starring Trump and Putin

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“Always be my orange face clown.” Awwww.

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Books

Table of Contents from Donald Trump Jr.’s New Book, You Can’t Spell Treason Without “Son”

Only we have an exclusive sneak peek!

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INTRODUCTION

I’m gonna skip this part, just like I skipped classes at Penn and the Senate Intelligence Committee hearing. Because I can get away with shit like that, bitches!

CHAPTER ONE

My Life as Donald J. Trump’s Firstborn Son
“Punch down, not up, you stupid fucking moron!” my dad would always encourage me.

CHAPTER TWO

My Life as Ivanka’s Brother
“Why can’t you be smart and hot like your sister, you stupid fucking moron?!” my dad would always wonder.

CHAPTER THREE

My Life, My Rules
How I’ve written my own rules for success, based solely on trying to earn the approval from my dad that I so desperately long for.

CHAPTER FOUR

My Overcompensation
How killing large, beautiful animals for no reason makes my penis feel less small.

CHAPTER FIVE

My Work for the Less Fortunate and Disenfranchised
[MISSING CHAPTER]

CHAPTER SIX

My Russian Tower Meeting
Er… I mean my Trump Tower meeting! That never happened. Certainly not with any Russians. Okay, maybe there were Russians, but no collusion! Okay, maybe a teensy bit of collusion, but my dad didn’t even know about it! Much. I mean, say what? I’m not scared, YOU’RE SCARED. *Ahem* Should I post more emails on Twitter? Retweet another doctored video of Nancy Pelosi? TELL ME WHAT TO DO, DADDY!

CHAPTER SEVEN

My MAGA Love
All of my dad’s accomplishments the fake news media refuses to report: has created record-breaking number of job opportunities defense attorneys; leading fight against “very fine” White Nationalist patriots; only disclosed nuclear codes to Russians – nobody else!; invented the word “covfefe”; singlehandedly boosted fast food business with fine spreads offered to athletes visiting White House.

CHAPTER EIGHT

My Future
Imagining myself in prison, having taken the fall for my dad, and wondering if he loves me yet. Or if he’ll ever visit or write me back. Totally hypothetical, of course.

SEE ALSO: These Suggested Titles for Donald Trump Jr’s New Book Are Hilarious

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In the News

BREAKING: Video of Donald Trump Doctored to Make Him Sound Presidential and Lucid

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After the distorted video of Nancy Pelosi made the rounds yesterday, another misleadingly edited video has hit the Internet — this one created to make Donald Trump sound presidential and capable of stringing multi-syllabic words together. What a disappointing misrepresentation of the truth. Shame on you, Internet!

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Books

These Suggested Titles for Donald Trump Jr’s New Book Are Hilarious

“The Great Twatsby.”

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Well, this is wonderful news: Don Jr. has landed a book deal! We haven’t been this excited since Eric Trump announced he was launching his own cereal…

And what better way to celebrate this big news than with these supportive book title suggestions?

Even Junior joined the fun.

SEE ALSO: Table of Contents from Donald Trump Jr.’s New Book, You Can’t Spell Treason Without “Son”

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Politics

God Bless America: We Have the Bad Lip Reading of Trump’s Inauguration

Good thing Bush wore his big-boy shirt for this.

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Just as the “golden shower” comedy bonanza subsided, Bad Lip Reading is bringing us more laughs with an instant classic: Trump’s inauguration coverage

Melania Trump kicks off the day by awkwardly bringing Michelle Obama a gift of pretzels. President Obama smiles and tells President Trump, “you suuuuuck.” Trump informs Michelle, “I like your nail polish, but not too much.”

However, the breakout stars of the show are an unlikely pair in the supporting roles: former first lady, Secretary of State, and popular vote winner Hillary Clinton — and former President George W. Bush.

“Looks like we have a problem,” George admits to Hillary on the sidelines.

“Yep. Leave it to me, okay?” she says. “We’re gonna squeeze him.”

Yup, Bush is going to need his “big-boy shirt” for this.

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Politics

LEAKED: Draft Trump Tweets Commemorating MLK Day

The president-elect honors the civil rights icon with graciousness, hashtags and a plug for his restaurant.

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An unnamed source in the Trump camp has released the Tweets the president-elect is considering posting in honor of the upcoming Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. As you’ll see, Trump is planning to commemorate the revered civil rights icon in his usual gracious manner.





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Politics

The Donald Trump Yuge Yule Log

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Sit back and let Putin hold your feet to the fire…, er, put your feet up next to the fire, Trump-style, with The Donald Trump Yuge Yule Log! What better way to put the “Christ!” back in Christmas and the Constitution in the embers of history…?

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Politics

Who is Mike Pence?

“Basically the reason Brooklyn is full of Midwesterners.”

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In anticipation of tonight’s exciting vice presidential de —

Oops. Sorry. Dozed off there for a moment.

AS I WAS SAYING. In anticipation of the VP debate (zzzzzz), here’s Full Frontal‘s Samantha Bee with a primer on Indiana governor-slash-Trump whipping boy Mike Pence.

“Basically the reason Brooklyn is full of Midwesterners.” –Pence’s new Twitter bio.

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Politics

Bernie Sanders Under Fire for Implying Endorsement from the Pope

The Catholic Church isn’t feeling The Bern.

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The Catholic Church today expressed its “grave concern” regarding a mailing the Bernie Sanders campaign recently sent out to tens of thousands of American Catholics implying Pope Francis had endorsed the Democratic candidate for president:

“The Catholic Church does not endorse political candidates, have a political action committee or appreciate a pro-abortion Jew trying to hijack the support of our faithful followers of Christ,” the Vatican said in a statement.

When asked for comment about the misleading mailer, a spokesperson for Sanders just laughed: “Clearly, we never intended to actually mail this to Catholic voters. They weren’t even supposed to see it! We were just spitballing what the Church might say if they were to throw their weight behind Bernie, and somehow one of our crazy volunteers got the idea that he was supposed to distribute it! To accuse us of fabricating the endorsement is ludicrous but, hey, we’ve come to expect that kind of anti-revolutionary behavior from an establishment like the church.”

This isn’t the first time Sanders has come under fire from the Catholic Church, which earlier this year called the campaign’s “Feel the Bern” fundraising prayer candles “distasteful” and “so BernieBro-like.”

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