INTRODUCTION

I’m gonna skip this part, just like I skipped classes at Penn and the Senate Intelligence Committee hearing. Because I can get away with shit like that, bitches!

CHAPTER ONE

My Life as Donald J. Trump’s Firstborn Son
“Punch down, not up, you stupid fucking moron!” my dad would always encourage me.

CHAPTER TWO

My Life as Ivanka’s Brother
“Why can’t you be smart and hot like your sister, you stupid fucking moron?!” my dad would always wonder.

CHAPTER THREE

My Life, My Rules
How I’ve written my own rules for success, based solely on trying to earn the approval from my dad that I so desperately long for.

CHAPTER FOUR

My Overcompensation
How killing large, beautiful animals for no reason makes my penis feel less small.

CHAPTER FIVE

My Work for the Less Fortunate and Disenfranchised
[MISSING CHAPTER]

CHAPTER SIX

My Russian Tower Meeting
Er… I mean my Trump Tower meeting! That never happened. Certainly not with any Russians. Okay, maybe there were Russians, but no collusion! Okay, maybe a teensy bit of collusion, but my dad didn’t even know about it! Much. I mean, say what? I’m not scared, YOU’RE SCARED. *Ahem* Should I post more emails on Twitter? Retweet another doctored video of Nancy Pelosi? TELL ME WHAT TO DO, DADDY!

CHAPTER SEVEN

My MAGA Love
All of my dad’s accomplishments the fake news media refuses to report: has created record-breaking number of job opportunities defense attorneys; leading fight against “very fine” White Nationalist patriots; only disclosed nuclear codes to Russians – nobody else!; invented the word “covfefe”; singlehandedly boosted fast food business with fine spreads offered to athletes visiting White House.

CHAPTER EIGHT

My Future
Imagining myself in prison, having taken the fall for my dad, and wondering if he loves me yet. Or if he’ll ever visit or write me back. Totally hypothetical, of course.

SEE ALSO: These Suggested Titles for Donald Trump Jr’s New Book Are Hilarious

Wow, this is really getting out of hand. Someone just doctored video of @realDonaldTrump to make him sound more presidential. pic.twitter.com/iR1D2oMawg

— John Aravosis 🇺🇸 (@aravosis) May 24, 2019

After the distorted video of Nancy Pelosi made the rounds yesterday, another misleadingly edited video has hit the Internet — this one created to make Donald Trump sound presidential and capable of stringing multi-syllabic words together. What a disappointing misrepresentation of the truth. Shame on you, Internet!

Well, this is wonderful news: Don Jr. has landed a book deal! We haven’t been this excited since Eric Trump announced he was launching his own cereal…

And what better way to celebrate this big news than with these supportive book title suggestions?

Pride and Extreme Prejudice

The Tax Man Cometh

Coward’s End

Triumph of the Shill

A Fail in Two Cities

Little Lord Flauntleroy

The Great Twatsby

Twelve Years a Slave to Russian Banks

No Expectations

Malice in Blunderland

Collusion Runs Through It#DonJrBookTitles

— Pseudolus (@Undershafted) May 22, 2019

– The Liar, the Snitch, and the War Crimes
– Moby Dickhead
– Animal Harm
– White Pride & Prejudice
– Of ICE and Men
– Don of Bowling Green Gables
– A Tinkle in Crime
– To Kill a Democracy
– Grifty Shades of Grey
– The Catcher in the Lie
– The Boy Schmuck Club
#DonJrBookTitles

— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 22, 2019

“Stronger than my Chin” #DonJrBookTitles

— Beth (@bethytrain) May 22, 2019

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Gross #DonJrBookTitles

— kyla (@whatkyIasaid) May 22, 2019

The Brat In The Hat #DonJrBookTitles pic.twitter.com/4MTnyLSBHL

— LisaMarie 🇺🇸 (@indianaoldsoul) May 22, 2019

“Shooting The Elephant In The Room” #DonJrBookTitles https://t.co/3k4au4mzs4

— SassyFrassanach (@SassyFrassanach) May 22, 2019

Even Junior joined the fun.

Since the haters (and @IvankaTrump) are having fun with #DonJrBookTitles I figured I’d join in… Title and Cover. Hows this?

Trump On The Stump #yourewelcome pic.twitter.com/Th6WdlTvvM

— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) May 22, 2019

SEE ALSO: Table of Contents from Donald Trump Jr.’s New Book, You Can’t Spell Treason Without “Son”

In his first TV interview since becoming president, Donald Trump showed the world that he’s not a narcissistic man-toddler (phew!), but rather a narcissistic mad man (bummer).

Some gems from his sit-down chat with ABC’s David Muir:

ON HIS SPEECH TO THE CIA:

TRUMP: I got a standing ovation.In fact, they said it was the biggest standing ovation since Peyton Manning had won the Super Bowl and they said it was equal. I got a standing ovation. It lasted for a long period of time. What you do is take — take out your tape — you probably ran it live. I know when I do good speeches. I know when I do bad speeches. That speech was a total home run. They loved it. I could’ve …

MUIR: 

ON THE SIZE OF HIS INAUGURATION CROWD:

TRUMP: In terms of a total audience including television and everything else that you have we had supposedly the biggest crowd in history. The audience watching the show. And I think you would even agree to that. They say I had the biggest crowd in the history of inaugural speeches. I’m honored by that. But I didn’t bring it up. You just brought it up.

MUIR: 

ON TORTURE:

MUIR: You’re now the president. Do you want waterboarding?

TRUMP: I don’t want people to chop off the citizens or anybody’s heads in the Middle East. Okay? Because they’re Christian or Muslim or anything else. I don’t want — look, you are old enough to have seen a time that was much different. You never saw heads chopped off until a few years ago.

MUIR: 

ON TAKING OIL FROM IRAQ:

TRUMP: We should have taken the oil. You wouldn’t have ISIS if we took the oil. Now I wasn’t talking about it from the standpoint of ISIS because the way we got out was horrible. We created a vacuum and ISIS formed. But had we taken the oil something else would’ve very good happened. They would not have been able to fuel their rather unbelievable drive to destroy large portions of the world.

MUIR: You’ve heard the critics who say that would break all international law, taking the oil. But I wanna get to the words …

TRUMP: Wait, wait, can you believe that? Who are the critics who say that? Fools.

MUIR: Let, let me …

TRUMP: I don’t call them critics. I call them fools.

MUIR: 

Just as the “golden shower” comedy bonanza subsided, Bad Lip Reading is bringing us more laughs with an instant classic: Trump’s inauguration coverage

Melania Trump kicks off the day by awkwardly bringing Michelle Obama a gift of pretzels. President Obama smiles and tells President Trump, “you suuuuuck.” Trump informs Michelle, “I like your nail polish, but not too much.”

However, the breakout stars of the show are an unlikely pair in the supporting roles: former first lady, Secretary of State, and popular vote winner Hillary Clinton — and former President George W. Bush.

“Looks like we have a problem,” George admits to Hillary on the sidelines.

“Yep. Leave it to me, okay?” she says. “We’re gonna squeeze him.”

Yup, Bush is going to need his “big-boy shirt” for this.

An unnamed source in the Trump camp has released the Tweets the president-elect is considering posting in honor of the upcoming Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. As you’ll see, Trump is planning to commemorate the revered civil rights icon in his usual gracious manner.

Sit back and let Putin hold your feet to the fire…, er, put your feet up next to the fire, Trump-style, with The Donald Trump Yuge Yule Log! What better way to put the “Christ!” back in Christmas and the Constitution in the embers of history…?

In anticipation of tonight’s exciting vice presidential de —

Oops. Sorry. Dozed off there for a moment.

AS I WAS SAYING. In anticipation of the VP debate (zzzzzz), here’s Full Frontal‘s Samantha Bee with a primer on Indiana governor-slash-Trump whipping boy Mike Pence.

“Basically the reason Brooklyn is full of Midwesterners.” –Pence’s new Twitter bio.

The Catholic Church today expressed its “grave concern” regarding a mailing the Bernie Sanders campaign recently sent out to tens of thousands of American Catholics implying Pope Francis had endorsed the Democratic candidate for president:

“The Catholic Church does not endorse political candidates, have a political action committee or appreciate a pro-abortion Jew trying to hijack the support of our faithful followers of Christ,” the Vatican said in a statement.

When asked for comment about the misleading mailer, a spokesperson for Sanders just laughed: “Clearly, we never intended to actually mail this to Catholic voters. They weren’t even supposed to see it! We were just spitballing what the Church might say if they were to throw their weight behind Bernie, and somehow one of our crazy volunteers got the idea that he was supposed to distribute it! To accuse us of fabricating the endorsement is ludicrous but, hey, we’ve come to expect that kind of anti-revolutionary behavior from an establishment like the church.”

This isn’t the first time Sanders has come under fire from the Catholic Church, which earlier this year called the campaign’s “Feel the Bern” fundraising prayer candles “distasteful” and “so BernieBro-like.”